Coming to my end… with new eyes

Rachel Hauck, Princess Ever AfterBy Rachel Hauck

This year started out rough.

Hit the wall with the novel I was writing.

Hit the wall with menopause. (I’m just putting it out there.)

And I wondered if I’d ever write a book again.

I felt horrible off an on.

Felt good.

Felt fragile.

Felt strong.

What would each day bring?

I don’t like feeling weak, emotional, “crazy,” or like I want to quit.

I don’t like fear, anxiety or moments of  ”not feeling like myself.”

It seemed at times God was circumcising my heart. Romans 2:29 “…and circumcision is that which is of the heart, by the Spirit, not by the letter; and his praise is not from men, but from God.”

Everything in my life except my marriage and relationships were on the table for me.

My career, my wants and desires, my attitudes. Petty jealousy? “God, here you can have it all! Let everyone in the whole wide world do better than me!”

Writer and writing teacher James Scott Bell calls it the “man in the mirror moment.”

Just who am I really?

Weak. Sinful. At times vulnerable. Limited in my own ways and strength. Helpless. I don’t like feeling helpless.

Yet! I am loved. So very loved by the Father. I’m called, blessed, chosen.

Jesus says the Father’s love plainly in John 17. I love this prayer He prays. I know the Father will answer!

“I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.”

Get that? Jesus is asking His Father to love us with the same love He loves His Son!

Amen and yes! I’ll take a dose of that reality.

The revelation of this love changes me. Changes us. Even down to our emotional chemistry.

Imagine… the God of the universe, the Almighty, Creator, God With Us, loves us!

He is not watching from a distance.

This season of good days and not-so-my-favorite-days has me leaning more into my Beloved.

Song of Solomon 8:5 “Who is this coming up from the wilderness Leaning on her beloved?”

Me.

I want my heart to be circumcised from all the gunk that keeps me from Him. That makes me full of vain imagination and selfish ambition.

This life is an internship for the next. And if any injustice or wrong is done to me here and now, He will see to it in the age to come. If not this age. My job is to have a right heart.

I’ve started to see things with new eyes. I realized I was even being resentful against my body and “why did God make me this way?”

Even that attitude had to be circumcised.

David penned, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

My new prayer on the hard days is “I’m fearfully and wonderfully made.”

See, I want to be on God’s team. Even when it comes to how I think about and see myself.

I want new eyes that see His heart, His joy, His peace, His plan. And even when the path seems dark and dim, I know He leads me.

Psalm 16 has such great revelation on who we are, who I am, in Him.

Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure…”

I mean, that’ll preach. My lot is secure. The boundary lines have fallen to me in pleasant places. The Lord counsels me. Even in the night. I won’t be shaken. My heart is glad. My body also rest secure.

Belles, I am so abundantly blessed. My heart is joyful and contentment at the pleasant boundaries the Lord has given me. And that even on the unpleasant days, He  is with me. I look back and see how He’s made my path clear.

May my new “eyes” increase in their sight.

JOY!

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Rachel Hauck, Once Upon A Prince, royal wedding seriesBest-selling, award-winning author Rachel Hauck loves a great story.

She serves on the Executive Board for American Christian Fiction Writers and leads worship for their annual conference. She was named ACFW 2013 Mentor of the Year. She is also on staff at My Book Therapy as their book therapist.

Rachel lives in Florida, where she is also a worship leader, with her husband and mini schnauzer.

Her novel, The Wedding Dress, was named Romantic Times Inspirational Novel of the Year and is an Amazon #1 Best Seller.

Her novel, Once Upon A Prince, earned starred reviews from Booklist and Publisher’s Weekly, and hit #1 on Amazon in Christian romance. It was recently nominated for a Christy Award!

Her latest releases, Princess Ever After and A March Bride released in February. Buying options on web site: www.rachelhauck.com

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Congratulations to Belle Lisa Wingate for her TWO Christy Award Nominations!!

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Comments

  1. says

    Hello my fellow overcomer! :) Thank you for your beautiful honest heart. Some of my favorite “go to” verses are those in Solomon but today you opened my eyes to the beauty of one I haven’t held tightly before: Song of Solomon 8:5 “Who is this coming up from the wilderness Leaning on her beloved?”

    I’m adding it to my treasures.

    You’re weathering the storm, Rachel, and you’re stronger than ever!

  2. Lisa Wingate says

    “This life is an internship for the next.” Oh to remember that every day, Rachel. We see like little children, don’t we? We agonize over all the temporal things. They seem so important.

    Meanwhile, God is looking at the bigger picture and He has it all worked out.

    Although, to be honest, I wouldn’t mind it he came up with a better plan for the midlife hormone thing. That part of the plan I could do without.

    Thank you for this post today!

    Hugs!
    Lisa

  3. Rachel Hauck says

    Lisa, you and me both. But in light of eternity, it’s not all the significant! But yet, He cares. He sees these little things and takes note. How awesome!!

    I think He made us a certain way and it must be good. I’m trying to go with that for now! Renew my mind.

    Love you,
    Rachel

  4. Nicole Seitz says

    Oh this is so refreshing, Rachel. I’ve been where you are on so many accounts. Thank you for sharing this encouragement!
    Nicole

  5. says

    Rachel, I read your post wishing I was standing next to you. I’d invite you to sit on the sofa with me . . . with a tall glass of icy diet coke and a bowl of peanut M&Ms. We’d talk for hours about all you mentioned in your post and compare notes. We’d share about all the ways God has been faithful–mostly so in our times of weakness. We’d probably laugh at how silly we can think and act at times, and we’d keep a box of Kleenex handy when our discussion turned deeper and we let our wounds show.

    In the absence of all that, I simply send you a cyber-hug and thank you for saying what we’ve all experienced at one time or another. Hope i get to give you a real hug soon . . . maybe in St. Louis.

    • Rachel Hauck says

      Kellie, I wish I was sitting with you too. There were a few brief moments where I did feel so alone in this — as if I were the only women experience such torment. But yet, knowing deep down “this is not me!”

      Let’s laugh over it in St. Louis! We have a Diet Coke and tissue date, girl!

      Rachel

  6. Julie Cantrell says

    I hear your hurt, Rachel, and I am so glad you’ve found a peaceful place in your heart by digging deep and furthering your spiritual journey. If only you could see how many people want to be YOU and would trade places with you in a second. Hugs, j

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