This year started out rough.
Hit the wall with the novel I was writing.
Hit the wall with menopause. (I’m just putting it out there.)
And I wondered if I’d ever write a book again.
I felt horrible off an on.
What would each day bring?
I don’t like feeling weak, emotional, “crazy,” or like I want to quit.
I don’t like fear, anxiety or moments of “not feeling like myself.”
It seemed at times God was circumcising my heart. Romans 2:29 “…and circumcision is that which is of the heart, by the Spirit, not by the letter; and his praise is not from men, but from God.”
Everything in my life except my marriage and relationships were on the table for me.
My career, my wants and desires, my attitudes. Petty jealousy? “God, here you can have it all! Let everyone in the whole wide world do better than me!”
Writer and writing teacher James Scott Bell calls it the “man in the mirror moment.”
Just who am I really?
Weak. Sinful. At times vulnerable. Limited in my own ways and strength. Helpless. I don’t like feeling helpless.
Yet! I am loved. So very loved by the Father. I’m called, blessed, chosen.
Jesus says the Father’s love plainly in John 17. I love this prayer He prays. I know the Father will answer!
“I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.”
Get that? Jesus is asking His Father to love us with the same love He loves His Son!
Amen and yes! I’ll take a dose of that reality.
The revelation of this love changes me. Changes us. Even down to our emotional chemistry.
Imagine… the God of the universe, the Almighty, Creator, God With Us, loves us!
He is not watching from a distance.
This season of good days and not-so-my-favorite-days has me leaning more into my Beloved.
Song of Solomon 8:5 “Who is this coming up from the wilderness Leaning on her beloved?”
I want my heart to be circumcised from all the gunk that keeps me from Him. That makes me full of vain imagination and selfish ambition.
This life is an internship for the next. And if any injustice or wrong is done to me here and now, He will see to it in the age to come. If not this age. My job is to have a right heart.
I’ve started to see things with new eyes. I realized I was even being resentful against my body and “why did God make me this way?”
Even that attitude had to be circumcised.
David penned, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
My new prayer on the hard days is “I’m fearfully and wonderfully made.”
See, I want to be on God’s team. Even when it comes to how I think about and see myself.
I want new eyes that see His heart, His joy, His peace, His plan. And even when the path seems dark and dim, I know He leads me.
Psalm 16 has such great revelation on who we are, who I am, in Him.
“Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure…”
I mean, that’ll preach. My lot is secure. The boundary lines have fallen to me in pleasant places. The Lord counsels me. Even in the night. I won’t be shaken. My heart is glad. My body also rest secure.
Belles, I am so abundantly blessed. My heart is joyful and contentment at the pleasant boundaries the Lord has given me. And that even on the unpleasant days, He is with me. I look back and see how He’s made my path clear.
May my new “eyes” increase in their sight.
She serves on the Executive Board for American Christian Fiction Writers and leads worship for their annual conference. She was named ACFW 2013 Mentor of the Year. She is also on staff at My Book Therapy as their book therapist.
Rachel lives in Florida, where she is also a worship leader, with her husband and mini schnauzer.
Her novel, The Wedding Dress, was named Romantic Times Inspirational Novel of the Year and is an Amazon #1 Best Seller.
Her novel, Once Upon A Prince, earned starred reviews from Booklist and Publisher’s Weekly, and hit #1 on Amazon in Christian romance. It was recently nominated for a Christy Award!
Her latest releases, Princess Ever After and A March Bride released in February. Buying options on web site: www.rachelhauck.com
Congratulations to Belle Lisa Wingate for her TWO Christy Award Nominations!!
Latest posts by Rachel Hauck (see all)
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